kaeru (To return home)
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: On a sleepless night, Syaoran thinks more about why he said yes to Yuuko's request without hesitation…


**Fandom: ****Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicle  
Title: kaeru. (To return home.)  
Pairing: Syaoran + Sakura  
Rating: G  
Description: ****On a sleepless night, Syaoran thinks more about why he said yes to Yuuko****'****s request without hesitation****…**

**Disclaimer: All titles belong to Clamp-sama.**

**kaeru. (To return home.)  
by miyamoto yui  
**

His eyes blinked in anticipation of slumber to take him away from the reality before him, even for a little bit.

But it was of no use. In this darkness, he could do nothing but stare above him to the ceiling that played with his eyes as if there was no depth to anything. The shadows that seemed to appear with the little light that came from the windows offered no comfort to his distress. The night had failed him once more. He knew better though. It wasn't the night that had failed him. It was his own darkness coming into the light. The fear that all humans faced when there was no one looking but maybe the god that everyone believed in, if they believed that there was one.

But it never could take away the fact that that was maybe why there were insomniacs in the world. It wasn't that they were opposed to sleep.

It was the termination of a day of getting closer to a goal that seemed too far to catch, but always so easy to reach with abundant willpower. This power of optimism was a wonder. It could murder someone so coldly and equally bring someone to life with the spirit of its warmth.

The brown-haired boy continued to watch the ceiling above him and sighed. Even if one of his eyes didn't function that well, he wasn't at all fazed by the darkness playing tricks on him. It served too well to resound the thoughts that were bouncing inside of his head.  
Even though he was physically tired from traveling, the pandemonium within his head created nothing but leeway to keep him up. And so, he could do nothing but lie there with a frown that was somehow saved by the dimness around him.

Then, no one would have to know.

Even though no one could deny that his position was that of equivalence to a painter expressing his feeling from the tip of his paintbrush even though it pained him not to be able to convey everything, there was still hope lighting a path that seemed so nonexistent at times. A painter used his insanity to create a picturesque dimension that existed between reality and that of non-reality. Nonetheless, he had to push through.

But the words kept on haunting him: "The memory she will not remember is you."  
And without hesitation, his heart had answered, "Yes."

The price meant nothing.  
Her life was what was most significant to him. This very special person that looked at him as if he could do anything and be anyone he wanted. In her eyes, he wasn't a dreamer. He had crossed through many deserts in search of the past in order to make a future which would not forget what time had tried its best to erase in its indifference to creation and destruction.  
And above all this, to him, she was the very essence of what it meant to live in humility and sincerity.

But what did all mean now? In the next room, there was his Sakura-hime sleeping. He was so close to her. He could feel her with his fingertips, and yet he knew that these things didn't matter anymore. He would have to start all over again. These feelings and memories had taken years to cultivate and now they were gone in an amnesia presented as a trade for her life.

It hurt him, even though he would do anything for her. He was only human, after all. He was only an ordinary person trying his best to live to his fullest and push himself to the limits he thought he could not overcome. And yet, he chose this role to become more than human.

The more and more he traveled, though, he was caught even farther within the realization of this humanity.

And he came into thoughts that weren't so beautiful. Though he had been traveling with his father and working all his life, there were a lot of things he couldn't understand just yet. Memories were just information and they were colored by what a particular person wanted to filter through.

And, he wondered, what had Sakura filtered? What did she see? Would he ever know? Maybe not, and was that all right with him?

Could he tell her of all the things that they had gone through? How much he loved the way she smiled with the sparkle in her eyes whenever she talked about whatever she loved to do? These things couldn't have changed. No, they were a part of her. He was a part of her too, right?

And it was then that he began to wonder what would have been different about Sakura-hime without her memories of him? Would she be a different person?

Something told him not to worry though. She was Sakura-hime after all.  
There had been a time, long ago, when she had not known him. There was a brief amount of space in which she didn't know he existed and from there, they had built their love, memories, and dreams. This was probably no different…

But as tears started to fill his eyes as he tried to rationalize everything to himself so that he could look at everyone with the persistence, dedication, and determination that made him the person that made him so admirable and loved, he clenched his hands a bit.

He visited the light, brown-haired girl because he felt so loved and welcomed by her smiles and embraces. He always stood there frozen, not knowing what to say or do, but felt himself melt with each moment she gave to him as a locked treasure.  
And now, even though her body was right next to him, as he always held her tightly before he left to search for her feathers, he knew he was slaughtering himself inside of her. So quietly, so silently, so gradually.  
With every feather, he was creating someone new and losing someone too. Not only her, but also within himself.

Even though she was before him in body, he could literally feel the oppressive state he experienced whenever he was away from her. How he always searched for her even though they knew exactly where the other was. He missed her deeply whenever he went around on trips or the like, but there was always the wish of seeing her once again. Seeing her gave him the drive to live each day to the fullest extent.  
**  
**_/On a moonlit night, they sat upon the bricks of one tall building. He had asked a handsome youth once, "Why are you helping me. Seishirou-san?__"__  
The boy had retorted with a serious tone, "Why do you trust me, Syaoran-kun?__"_

_"__Because I see the sadness in your eyes. No matter what you__'__ve done or will do, the intention of finding those two important people is sincere. Even if everything else is a lie, I know that isn__'__t.__"_

_The boy looked up to the moon and reached out his hand. Then, he looked down at the city below them with a smile conveying both hope and despair at the same time._

_"__I ran away from them. At the point that I looked my strongest, I was truly at my weakest. And now, I am searching for them.__"__  
__"__Why?__"__  
__"__To ask each of them if I can live on within their memories.__"__  
__"__I…I don__'__t understand. Everyone remembers everything. Does that make sense?__"_

_Gently, he patted Syaoran__'__s head and then took his hand away. __"__People choose to remember and just as much, they can choose to forget.__"__  
__"__I still don__'__t understand. If they are important to you and you are important to them, that wouldn__'__t matter, would it? You can__'__t choose to forget. Everything__'__s messed up if you do that.__"__  
_

_Seishirou__'__s expression slightly changed to one of shock and then he began to sadly smile once more. "I used to think that things were that easy, Syaoran-kun, but they aren__'__t. Memories are fragile things. Even they can__'__t fully tell the truth because everyone has their own perception.__"_

_At that moment, Seishirou nodded his head and politely excused himself before Syaoran could comment any further._

_As he watched the boy jump down with his cape fluttering behind him, Syaoran said, __"__But everyone has only one heart, Seishirou-san.__"__  
Quiet as his voice was, his response bounced off the walls, hoping to reach Seishirou__'__s ears and penetrate into his heart./  
_

Then, Syaoran's eyes grew sleepy as he was comforted by this memory. He turned his head to glance at the wall connecting Sakura's room with his. Touching the wall, he smiled to himself.  
He thought, "I just want to be with you. That's all I ever wanted. Memories are just images, right? I have to believe your heart will always be the same…"

_/She was the one that said, "Let's make a pinky-promise, Syaoran."_  
_He blinked at her as he blushed with his pinky finger between them, but unable to stop staring into her bright eyes. "What kind of promise, Princess?"_  
_"That you'll always smile when you think about me."_

_Syaoran laughed, but he was too embarrassed to say that he already did that. What an easy wish she had asked of him._  
_"And what do you want me to do?" she asked him with her pinky holding onto his and her eyes twinkling in excitement._

_He had never thought about it, but before he could answer, she kissed his forehead and said, "I'll be waiting at home for you."_

_The bell rang and she had to go before he could even react to the whirlwind that happened in less than two minutes. As she waved goodbye to him, he touched his forehead, feeling a tingle run throughout his body from the tangible happiness she had given him./_

After traveling for so long, he never really knew a place that he called home. Not until she had said so to him.

I'll be waiting at home for you.

That's why he had to become someone worthy of her love and respect. Someone that could protect her. That's why he was going around to places beyond his wildest dreams and with people he didn't really know yet.

For her.  
To get back home to her.

**Owari. / The End.**

**Author****'****s Note: ** Went to Anime Expo and was inspired to do this fic. ^_^

**July 6, 2004**


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